I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
