I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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