Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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