His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
