$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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