if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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