my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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