bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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