the condom got lost in my hair
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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