Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i've created a new STD.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
