i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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