I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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