I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
