i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
