i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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