You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
