He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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