The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
