Umm I'm too high to move.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
