I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I am midnight drunk by noon
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
