I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
