I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
