Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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