My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
