FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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