I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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