I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's shark week go big or go home
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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