when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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