Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
