The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
