i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
