I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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