This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
