and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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