Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
