I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
