apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
