Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
