Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
