that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
