It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
