So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
