Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
