my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
