I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
50% drunk capacity currently
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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