Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
