I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
