This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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