Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
