i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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